I think I am cranky

My students laugh at me because I try to be cheerful and positive. One of my boys takes his hands in a welcoming, circling gesture and, in his best imitation of me, says, "this is a happy place" to show that I am happy, or I am a dork, or something like that. It doesn't look very cute here in print, and probably doesn't make any sense, but it actually makes me happy to know that they realize that I want happiness in my life and for everyone to have somewhere that makes them feel happy.
As I sit here in my house, it is completely silent except for the sound of my fingers on the keyboard. I think about how, for me, happiness is not a place, it is the people I love. It really doesn't matter where I am, as long as I am with the people that make any place a "happy place."
With that in mind, I have decided that I am probably cranky now that I am completely alone!
Jason and I just returned today from our weeklong trip to South Padre, San Antonio, Marble Falls, and Austin. It was a great trip, relaxing on the beach, apartment hunting with my sister, taking a boat on the Riverwalk, floating on the lake and reading books, and getting to visit friends in Austin. He has gone home, and I am alone- I used to like this, now, it just seems quiet.
As far as the surrogacy goes, this has been an odd week! I spent 7 days (from Thursday to Thursday) with headaches that made me hurt and eventually made me nauseated. I finally called the doctor and got a pill to take that is safe for pregnancy and effective. Yay- no more headaches! Hopefully I remember this next time I have a problem instead of suffering! The other bummer is that I can't eat fried food, spicy (even mildly) food, greasy food, and I can only eat if I eat at the exact right time, or I won't be hungry. I don't think my kids ever caused this much disruption of my digestive system.
The entertaining news is that my chest has grown- enough that my 5 year old even noticed. Braden said, "Mom, your boobs are taller" when he came in and I was still laying in bed one morning a couple weeks ago. My belly is still small, but it is definitely there. I am pretty sure I was nowhere near showing yet with my other pregnancies. I finally gave in and went into Gap Maternity and bought a few pairs of shorts. Maternity clothes have come a long way from when I was last pregnant. Instead of a huge balloon to go over your entire belly, there is just a stretchy band a few inches wide- who knew? The pants are great, they don't fall down even though I am still tiny, but (in theory) will stretch to accomodate my soon-to-be gigantic belly.

The kids are on vacation with their Nana. I miss them so very much. They have only been gone a week, but knowing they will be gone for two more weeks just makes me so sad. It is not in a mother's heart to be without her children this long. The only joy I feel from this agony is the joy that I will have them again soon. And then maybe it will be a while before they drive me bonkers again...lol...
And for Father's Day/my profound thoughts on life: I am so grateful to have a father who loves me and has taken care of me and supported me no matter what my entire life. I am so grateful to have a stepfather who loves me and has helped me grow up to be independent. I have thought today of them, and of my grandpa, and of Alfred, the father of one of my dear friends who recently passed away, and I am comforted in knowing that it is not sad that they are missed, it is because they are missed that they will be remembered, and because they will be remembered, they will live forever in those whose lives they shaped. The power of a father's influence is great and never ends.

On an amazing journey

I sat down a bit ago and decided to read through my blog. I actually teared up looking at our journey so far. All the frustrations, the minor setbacks, and the roller coaster of my life have not prevented us from getting to this point.

We will be 12 weeks pregnant on Sunday! I can't believe we are here finishing the first trimester already. There isn't much going on since my last post, other than that I will be out of town on Sunday and wanted to share my excitement about being in the 2nd trimester and off the last "drug" for IVF. I will just be a "normal" pregnant lady in a few days- well, as normal as a twin pregnancy allows you to be.

I guess it will be time to tell the people I haven't told yet...

And, I wanted to try to post a picture of my belly, so here goes:

Okay, so it didn't work. I am going to figure this out and be back!

I think it worked... SMILE!

And I feel great today!

Well, things seem to be on an upswing. I have felt like a normal human being for the last two days. Yay me! I have actually stayed awake all day, not taken tylenol for a headache, not been in bed sick, and not wanted to cry. That doesn't mean I have accomplished too much though. The house is still a mess, but the kids and I have been out and about doing things.
Triston is having a blast at Cub Scout Camp and comes home every day excited to tell me about what he did that day. Today they went on waterslides (cool ones that they had to climb up), they have shot beebee guns, bow and arrows, and made monkey bread among other things. Katie and Braden and I did the summer clothes shopping today with Grandma and cousin Asia and Aunt Julie along. Grandma bought us pretzel sandwiches- oh, they are so good! Then, we all went swimming at the city pool. I love swimming in the summer, it is the only activity where we live that is actually nice to do outside.
The twins seem to be doing great. I am off of all the insertables and only have to take the baby aspirin through Sunday. I have been released to my ob/gyn, so no more clinic or driving to Houston anymore. All I have for the time being is my monthly ob visit, which is great. The only downside is that I don't get more ultrasounds to see the twins. I am very glad though that this pregnancy is so low-risk that my doctor is treating it just like all my other pregnancies. I am sure that will change at some point, but, as I have heard people say, a boring pregnancy is a good pregnancy. So, the surrogacy is going great and I am hoping to visit with my IPs next weekend so they can see the baby bump :)
The kids are leaving on Saturday to go to visit their Nana and spend time with their dad. I am already dreading the thought of them leaving. I enjoy the first few days, survive the first 10 or so, but by that third week, I am always a mess. I don't think it is part of a mother's soul to be away from her children for so long and I already hurt knowing how difficult it is. I am trying to stay busy though. Jason and I are going on a road trip next week to get my niece and sister down to their new home and take my first trip to South Padre. It will be great to be on the beach!!!
I continue to be amazed at the blessings I have. Even though my kids will be gone for three weeks, I will get them back. Even though I won't see their faces, I will be able to hear their voices. Even though I won't hold their hands, I will be able to feel their love. I can't imagine life without them, and I realize again and again that this is exactly the joy/the pain/ the beauty that we are helping to create for the twins' family.

We are ten weeks along!

I am so excited with my latest surrogacy news. I am no longer taking the PIO (progesterone in oil)- otherwise known as the evil butt-shot. We added it up the other night, and between the Lupron and the PIO, I have given myself over 90 shots in the last three months!!!!
My butt is in the healing process now and it is so very nice to see the bruises and lumps healing. I am hoping it will quit hurting within the next week or so.
Friday was the last day of school, the last day of shots, and the last day of my estrogen insertable. What a rewarding day! I am now only using the progesterone insertable, what a relief. I went in for lab work this morning (another thing I am tired of) and hopefully I will get high progesterone levels and start weaning off of this too. In theory, I should be off the insertables by week 11, which is next week. At week 12, I should be solely under the care of my ob and be able to stop taking the baby aspirin too. What will I even do with myself with only a vitamin to take every day?
As far as the morning sickness, it seems to be abating finally. I was really sick on Friday and Saturday with some kind of horrible headache that eventually caused vomiting as well. Ever since then, I haven't felt too nauseated. I am tired though, and even doing laundry or the dishes seems to be pretty daunting.
In fun news, I have a little baby bump now. It is not very noticeable, but I notice it and my kids do too. Katie laughed at me when we went swimming yesterday because she can see it. The boys have started talking, well yelling, to the babies too!
I found out my sister is due with her second child three weeks before the surro twins are born, so that will be an adventure. I have always wanted to be pregnant with a friend or sibling, and now I get to! I think it will be especially wonderful to have a baby around to love on once I send the twins home with C and A.
I am feeling much more confident about the babies' health now. I guess since I can visibly "see" how much they are growing I feel that they are in good and snug. I go to the ob again on Thursday for all the "normal" ob first visit stuff. Joy of joys. I don't think we will be getting anymore ultrasounds for awhile, which is a bummer.
I feel so different with this pregnancy than with the others. I guess with this one, I am focused on being pregnant and taking good care of C and A's babies. I am not focused on once they are here, or taking care of newborns. There are so many things about this that I like. I love these babies and care about them very, very much. But it is not the overwhelming feeling I felt with my own. I don't know how to adequately describe it, but I know that it is meant to be this way. Their mother already has these feelings for them and is so excited about "her little tadpoles"!
In "regular life", I have two weeks with the kids before they go with their dad for three weeks, so we are going to go swimming and to grandma's house, as well as get all the doctor's appointments and stuff out of the way. I love summer. I am so excited that I get to enjoy the second trimester in two short weeks and that I will be able to share it with my children. I love the peace we are able to find when we have no work or school to hurry us along each day. I keep trying to remind myself when I am tired or frustrated that I have the life I want. I am doing what I want with the people that I want to be with. Life is such a blessing. I am going to go enjoy it, along with the laundry, now...