Thursday, June 30, 2011

I am just a vehicle

After two surrogacy journeys, one would think I would have a total understanding of my role in this amazing process.  However, tonight, as I looked at a picture of my newest surrobaby, I had a small revelation.
A few weeks ago, I visited my surrotwins.  I am a stranger to them.  Today, I looked at Isabella.  She would not know me from a stranger.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I had this idea that my surrobabies would always hold some kind of subconscious memory of me, that they would always know me.  But I was wrong. 
Today, as I looked at this precious child playing on a blanket, I realize that I played a very specific role in all of their lives, and although I am so very blessed to be able to keep in touch with them as a friend( and I love and appreciate their families beyond words for this), the role as their surrogate mother ended, and I realize exactly what my role was- I was just a vehicle.
Imagine if you will: 
You are at your home in Texas.  You receive a phone call, and find out that your mother in California  is very ill.  You have to go to her- now.  You go to the airport.  You see that there are several planes getting ready to fly to California- but they are all full.  You stop at each check-in counter to see if anyone will take you.  You explain the dire need of getting to your mom today.  Everyone says "no."  Finally, one airplane makes room for you.  That airplane takes you to California- right to your mother's door.  You are safe and sound, with your mother.
How grateful are you for that airplane?  That airplane just took you home.  That airplane just bridged a gap that was unreachable without it.  In that moment, the airplane was your salvation, the only hope you had of reaching home.  But, a month later, it is just an airplane. 
My point:  I am just a vehicle. I am a means to an end.  People always wonder why surrogates can "give up" the babies they carry.  This is the answer.  When I carry my children, I am their home, and after that, I am still their home and they are mine.  When I carry another woman's child, I am just a vehicle.  I am just taking them where they need to be because the plane they were intended to come in on is broken down. 
I am just a vehicle.  And not just any run of the mill economy size sedan either.  I am a top of the line, luxury  model SUV ( I would have liked to be a sports car, but all my passengers wouldn't fit ;)  
And if you think I am demeaning surrogacy or myself, just ask yourself- what would you do without that vehicle?