Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The people I love

I realize that I have the greatest gift in the world. I have a very large and ever growing family. I have the security of knowing that I will never walk alone and that my children will never walk alone if/when I am gone one day.
Even better, I have a family that loves me and supports me no matter what I do, no matter what dumb mistakes I have made (over, and over, and over). So, it seems only logical that they will support me in this journey to give a dear boy a sibling.
Which makes me wonder why I am so afraid to tell them. I think I have had so many negative reactions when I have brought up the subject of surrogacy that I am afraid to tell anyone. I have blurted it out right out of the blue and nearly caused a car accident (sorry Dad!). I have explained it carefully and from the beginning (I would like to talk to you about something very important). I have brought it up in a casual conversation (Speaking of...).
It doesn't seem to matter how I bring it up, very few people seem to support it. Well, that is not exactly true. What I have noticed is that people seem to support surrogacy in general and like to say how it is a beautiful gift. BUT, they don't actually want their child/sister/friend to do it.
Is it out of concern for my health? My sanity? My children? Do they know that this child is not related to me in any way? Do they know the pain in the eyes of the woman who can not bear her own child? Do they know of the joy I feel when I have a child growing inside me? Do they know that I feel so good and right about doing this? Do they know that I have never felt more strongly about anything as I do about doing this?
I hope and pray that these people I love will support me in this choice. I hope that I handle myself well. I hope that they see the love in my heart. Obviously, they know I am strong-willed and will carry on anyways, but it is not to be stubborn; it is to follow the calling of my heart.
This is my life. It was given to me to live the best way I can. My heart is full of the joy and hope I see and feel from my children every day. And this choice, as all the choices I make are, is made for us.

I am on drugs!

So, I have been trying to write on my blog for several days. I have my calendar, my drugs came on Monday, and I took my first ever self-injected shot last night!
I was so terrified to stab myself with a needle, but Braden came in with me to give me moral support (and to keep him from tormenting his siblings!) We sat down, prepared the syringe, stared at my leg, and presto, I did it.
I feel like we are finally making progress in this journey now that I am actually doing something to physically prepare for it. There is so much work to be done to create a child using IVF; I realize how truly blessed I was to have my own children so easily.
In other exciting news, I have received a webcam from my fabulous IPs so that we can visit and chat while actually looking at each other. Our goal with this is mostly so that the children will be able to see each other and that mine will get to know the family we are helping to grow.
My thoughts have been so full and jumbled lately as I begin this journey.
I have realized that life is the greatest paradox of them all. Life is so strong and yet so fragile. It is amazing that a life can form from such small, easily destructable parts, only to grow and thrive and become a strong and vigorous child. What is even more amazing to me is the strength of the human spirit. No matter what the odds are, no matter how great the mountain, with the inspiration of God and the amazing human mind, we have found a way to scale the most distant ridges and arrive at the top of the world- able to see our dreams realized and our hopes alive.
Life is a gift- cherish it!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Exciting news today!

We signed the gestational agreement (otherwise known as a contract) today. We have been working on it since before Christmas, so I am so happy to have it complete. Also, the ED (egg donor) is ready to start her meds on Wednesday. Yay! I am not a hundred percent sure what this means for me, other than that I think I should be starting my meds soon and get this cycle underway.
It is hard to believe that a year ago I was just beginning to think about becoming a surrogate for my aunt and uncle, and they are now expecting twins in the next few weeks. My heart is so full of joy for them.
Now, here I am, about to begin a journey to help another family grow. I am so full of joy and anticipation, my impatience is at an all time high. The children saw pictures of little N, the little boy that we are going to make a big brother. The children have decided that everyone should have a little sibling, and now they can be part of making that dream come true!
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot help but bring it to themselves" James Barrie

Friday, February 13, 2009

New beginnings

Long ago, I decided to start a blog. I came in here and set it up, but somewhere along the way, I forgot about it. Today, I decided to find it and actually begin to use it. It was missing; so now I will start this new blog.
I feel like my life has started anew in the last year. The divorce, the move, the boyfriend, and now this upcoming surrogacy journey. I know so many people who have been through the first three changes, but I don't know anyone has been through a surrogacy journey. I know that there are other surrogates out there keeping blogs, but I want to keep one so the people who I know will be able to see this journey as it progresses.
I am so excited about all that is happening in my life right now. The chaos is part of me, without it, I feel empty and sad.
Life is a journey, it is not a destination. I am just holding on tight and enjoying the ride!