Thursday, December 31, 2009

A new year and the end of my journey

It is amazing that it has been six weeks since the twins were born. In a way, it seems as though they just arrived, and in another way, it seems as though the pregnancy and this incredible experience never even happened. But I know it did.
I am "back to normal" and recovered from the pregnancy. The twins are home with their family and thriving. But there are little reminders every day that this experience was very real. My stomach, of course, still looks like it just had babies. When I hear a baby cry, or even see one, I get the strange sensation of a let down that never comes. When I see a mother with her newborn child, there is a weird moment where I realize how recently I just gave birth. But always, always, I am amazed that it happened, amazed at the miracle of life and of love, amazed at the beauty of hope.
I didn't realize that when I had the twins, I would be sending pieces of me home with them. But, as a friend pointed out, they filled my heart with new pieces, and I think, stronger pieces.
This time last year, the twins' parents and I were working on contracts. Now, after 12 months, they are holding their children in their arms. What a difference a year makes!
People still ask me if I miss the twins, if I am sad to have "given them up", and if I am "doing okay". Well, I don't miss the twins as much as I miss the experience of surrogacy and the relationship I had with their family. I am not at all sad to have "given them up"; I am overjoyed that their parents have their children back with them. I am "doing okay", in fact, I am doing pretty darn fabulous. Example:
I received a call this morning from the hospital. The man calling said he was verifying information and he needed the birthdate of my"son". I stopped to think, and thought, "none of my boys have been in the hospital." I questioned him as to why he was calling and what he was talking about. Then I realized- and said, "oh, the twins!" It was confusing at first, but then very reassuring to me that I don't consider the twins to be my children at all, not in any way shape or form. It makes me more confident when I answer the questions of others to know that even in my heart and my own mind, I don't connect the twins to me in that way. They are two of my favorite people in this world, and I would do anything for them, but that is all.
Every time my children start to drive me nuts, I think of what people have to go through just to have children, and I appreciate my children and the simple miracle that each of them is.
Every time I think of the twins, I still just think of love.
This experience has changed my life. It has made me appreciate the blessings I have. It has made me appreciate the strengths of others. It has made me feel love in such a way that I have never known.
I have so many emotions about this journey. I have so many feelings I want to share and so many thoughts about everything that has transpired. I feel as though this entire entry is just jumping around from one idea to the next. Maybe one day this will all be sorted out in my head and I will be more coherent. Until then, I will focus on the new year, and the new adventures and experiences that life holds in store for me:
I will focus on loving my children and helping them to achieve their goals; whether riding horses, learning to tumble, earning Scout badges, or succeeding in school.
I will enjoy every moment I get to spend with Jason and the happiness he brings into my world.
I will surprise my students with my amazing skills at walking fast and moving around the classroom without waddling.
I will enjoy my family and friends, for they are my strength and my support.
I will look forward to the summer when I will hopefully see my beautiful surro twins once more.
Until then, I will accept that this journey is finally, after 13 months, a hundred shots, a dozen trips to Houston, twenty-ish doctor's appts, numerous phone calls, and countless days of love and sacrifice on the parts of all involved, complete.
Now, I take the bittersweet step forward, and on with the rest of my journey, my life...