Saturday, November 30, 2013

The First Trimester (March- May 2013)

While completely overjoyed to be carrying these precious children for my IPs, the first trimester has not gone well for me at all.  I am filled with a sorrow, a depression I have never felt during pregnancy before.  I hesitate to write [and for months I couldn't actually write a thing] because I don't want to write about the sadness I am filled with, but I can't write without writing the entire truth. 
My body seems to understand that there are two little humans playing in here once more, and she is angry with me!  I tell my body, "just one more time, just get these children here safely this one more time and I will listen to you."  I am afraid my body will give out on me, will not get these babies here safely and on time, and I feel afraid that I will fail my IPs.
I cannot write, play the piano, enjoy the sunshine.  I sit in the darkness of my living room, staring out the window at the light and I am sad.  It is a terrible feeling, but at least I know it is not real.  I know these feelings are just hormones and they will pass.

Finally, I am able to go off of all the meds from the IVF cycle, and within days, I feel wonderful!  I am so happy to know it was just the meds making me feel so awful, and I am able to enjoy the sunshine once more. 
The babies are growing well.  I am already sporting a little belly and everyone at work has already noticed.  I am excited to have a baby bump so early so that I can enjoy the last six months I will ever have a cute belly in my life (I realize that it will be stretched beyond recognition after this final journey).  Summer is almost here, and I can't wait!