While completely overjoyed to be carrying these precious children for my IPs, the first trimester has not gone well for me at all. I am filled with a sorrow, a depression I have never felt during pregnancy before. I hesitate to write [and for months I couldn't actually write a thing] because I don't want to write about the sadness I am filled with, but I can't write without writing the entire truth.
My body seems to understand that there are two little humans playing in here once more, and she is angry with me! I tell my body, "just one more time, just get these children here safely this one more time and I will listen to you." I am afraid my body will give out on me, will not get these babies here safely and on time, and I feel afraid that I will fail my IPs.
I cannot write, play the piano, enjoy the sunshine. I sit in the darkness of my living room, staring out the window at the light and I am sad. It is a terrible feeling, but at least I know it is not real. I know these feelings are just hormones and they will pass.
Finally, I am able to go off of all the meds from the IVF cycle, and within days, I feel wonderful! I am so happy to know it was just the meds making me feel so awful, and I am able to enjoy the sunshine once more.
The babies are growing well. I am already sporting a little belly and everyone at work has already noticed. I am excited to have a baby bump so early so that I can enjoy the last six months I will ever have a cute belly in my life (I realize that it will be stretched beyond recognition after this final journey). Summer is almost here, and I can't wait!