Full term baby!

Here I sit at 37 weeks pregnant.  My back is caved in, my ankles have started to swell, I have weird red bumps on my calves, my skin is dry, and I am tired and uncomfortable.  However, these are all minor details that prove to me that the world is exactly as it should be.  I am pregnant still.  Isabella is healthy and perfect.  She has remained in the safe, warm coccoon of my womb long enough that I have no fear of her being born now.  I know I have taken good care of her.  I know her parents have prepared and are completely ready (beyond ready I think) to welcome her home.  Every day now she is growing fatter and stronger.  Who knows, maybe I will deliver another nine pound baby!
I am ready for her to be here.  I am ready for my body to return to me.  I am ready to be able to snuggle in my husband's lap without feeling like a beached whale that can't get comfortable.  I am ready for the moment when I will see her in her mother's arms for the first time (this is the moment that makes surrogacy beautiful- this is the moment that explains why I do it).    I am ready for her to join her family.  The only thing I am not ready for is to lose the beauty of this journey, the joy and the happiness it has brought to my life, and the wonderful friends I have found in Isabella's family.  But mostly, I want her butt out of my ribs ;)
So, we wait. 
We watch my belly grow and this baby thrive.
We wait on Isabella to decide it is time to be born.
And we wait... tap, tap, tap.....
impatiently, we wait... tap, tap tap...

36 weeks belly

5 weeks left!

It is amazing how fast time flies.  Or maybe it is amazing how time fills up with activities.  Or maybe life just goes by quickly because it is just so darn good. 
Isabella is due in five weeks- well, actually she is due in 4 weeks and 3 days (if my math is right). 
She is growing just like she should.  Her bottom is under the right side of my ribs, and when she pushes, I feel my ribs go "ow" and I have a numb feeling push down on my left leg.  I think she is a little bit diagonal in there, but I am sure she will scoot down in time.  Does that make sense? 

Isabella and me at 34 weeks (I think... it is Jan 22nd)
Everything is wonderful.  My children are healthy.  Isabella is growing like she should.  My husband is moving home in twelve days.  I feel like I am making forward progress at work.  My house, amazingly, is mostly clean.  I have an amazing family.  I am growing a miracle for another amazing family.  What more can I say?

Let me think really hard.... hmm...
I guess I always come back to the same thought.  I am carrying another woman's child.  To me, this is just a normal part of my life.  But when I tell people this, they look at me funny.  I realize somewhere in my mind that this is not "normal" for most people.
I can understand this.
I can understand my friend's husband who thinks it is crazy.
I can understand the child who doesn't understand.
I can understand my sister saying "I could never do that".
I can understand my father not wanting to talk about it.
What I don't understand is the negativity, the judgement, and the rudeness with which so many people view surrogacy.
What I don't understand is the woman with six children telling me she could never "do that to my children".
What I don't understand is the church member who tells me it is wrong, but can't tell me why.
What I don't understand is the childless woman with no sister, no friend, no loved-one who will heal her broken heart.
What I don't understand is people asking, "why don't they just adopt?" (and I think, "well, why didn't YOU just adopt instead of having your own child?)
Surrogacy is a medical miracle.  It is a gift from God. 
Surrogacy is beautiful.  Through surrogacy, I have extended my family to include two more.  I have watched pain turn into joy.  I have watched heartache turn into beauty.  I have seen faith turn into life.  I have seen hope turn into motherhood.
And I have learned- faith, hope, love, compassion, sacrifice, endurance, patience, and humility.
And I hope, somewhere in this journey, I have taught my children something about love.


 

Inspiration

I rarely remember to read the comments left on my blog until my husband tells me about them, but I just read the comment from my last update, and within minutes this poem by Emily Dickinson started running through my head (yes, I am a geek).

If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
or cool one pain


Or help one fainting robin
unto his nest again
I shall not live in vain.


My goal as a teacher, a surrogate, and -most importantly- as a mother is to change for the better just one life in this world.  My fear is that I will fail.  My hope is that I will succeed.  I read this post and know how naive it sounds, but what good would life be if I allowed the cynnicism to cloud my every choice?
This is my dream, my inspiration, and I believe there is so much good in the world that it must be possible for one such as I to do some good work to "pay back" the world for all the blessings I enjoy.

The pineapple and me at 33 weeks

Isabella is doing great!  She is apparently the weight of a pineapple- of course, that is generic and I am sure she is bigger.  She continues to wiggle and move as much as ever- I just feel each and every movement so strong now.  At our appointment last week, my ob asked how things were going.  I said, "well, my legs get tingly, I have to eat tums, I can't bend, and I still have stabbing pains in my sides." 
He said, "you know those are all normal pregnancy symptoms."
I said, "yeah, but you asked ;)"

He reminded my IM that I am a great incubator and there is nothing to worry about. 
I contemplated packing a hospital bag, but why tempt fate?  I am holding out until 34 weeks, and then I will give in and pack.  I definitely don't want to be left without a bag like I was last time.  I also don't want to drive myself to the hospital again either, but we'll see.
I am enjoying this pregnancy so much- I think because it is not twins!  Twins hurt.  Isabella doesn't, usually.  Her favorite times to wake up are at bedtime and 3:00 am.  Jason will wake her up and "play" with her if he can't sleep.  He apparently did this last weekend and I slept right through their playtime!  Her mother has told Jason she will call him when she wakes up at 3, thank you very much for training her to wake up then :)
I dream about Isabella being born very often, I think because I am so ready for her to be born.
I was thinking about her parents.  The last time (and the only time) they had a daughter born, they were unable to enjoy her.  They were faced with her eminent death even as they basked in their newfound parenthood.  I remember how relieved I was when I saw each of my children- their screams, their hair, their toes, their healthy pink skin.  I remember how afraid I was with the twins- that they were too early, that they would not cry.  I remember the relief I felt when L cried, and then her brother.  They were pink, they were breathing, they were whole.
I have never lost a child fresh from the womb.  I have never felt the anguish of loss instead of the miracle of life.  I have only seen the fruit of my labor grow and flourish.  I have never seen one wither and die even as I bleed for my work in bringing them here.

My goal this entire journey has been to give Isabella's parents a LIVING miracle.  Her sister was a miracle, but she was a gift that God wanted back home with him too soon.  For about a month, from 28 weeks to 32 weeks, I had not dreams of her birth, but nightmares of her birth.  I was soo afraid of losing her, so afraid I would fail in bringing her parents their promised gift.  Now, at 33 weeks, I feel safe.  I feel we are in the "clear" and that I will not fail.
I anticipate her birth in a way I never have before.  I want to see her- pink, screaming, chubby, ten-toed, dark-haired, in the arms of her mother.  The moment of my joy will not be the moment when she comes out screaming, but the moment that she is placed in her mother's arms- the moment I see a healthy, whole and perfect child in the arms of love.  Can you imagine the vision of wholeness I will be privvy to?  I cannot wait.

6 weeks, 5 days, and counting...

28 weeks already :)

Well, in good news, we are having a very boring pregnancy!  Isabella is growing strong, I am gaining weight like an athlete on steroids, and everything is normal.  Isabella's parents came up on Friday for a 3D/4D ultrasound.  I didn't know what made an ultrasound 4D until the tech explained that 3D was seeing the baby with color and "regular" shape, and 4D was the movement.  So, her parents now have a video of her playing and pictures of her in color.  What we know about Isabella now:  She has a perfect button nose, beautiful lips, big eyes, all of her fingers, and some amount of hair on her head already.  What we already knew, but enjoyed watching:  She is a wiggle worm!  When the ultrasound began, she was head down and by the time it ended, she was transverse (sideways) with her head buried in my hip.  I had never seen a baby this big move around so quickly.  She stopped moving for a few minutes, but the constant prodding of the ultrasound detector kept her moving in protest. 

I enjoyed watching Isabella, but mostly I enjoyed watching her parents.  I loved to see their faces when they recognized a part of her, or when they discussed whose lips she has.  Everything that was cute and fascinating to me was miraculous to her parents.  The best part of being a surrogate is being able to watch pregnancy become real and tangible to a family that didn't think they would get to be part of this process. 

My Katie commented the other night that this pregnancy is going so much faster than the last one.  I feel the same way.  I, of course, just refer to my skinny ankles when asked how this pregnancy is going.  Last night, for the first time this pregnancy, I went to turn to check behind me as I pulled out of the driveway and I couldn't- the belly is finally in the way. 

I am enjoying this one little girl.  I am enjoying getting to know her personality and smile at the thought of her keeping her parents up all night long, since she is a night owl.  Jason has a habit of tapping on my belly, and she taps back.  It is as if they have a game together and he is helping her practice for future pat-a-cake games with her dad.  We are, after all, a surrogate family. 

My kids don't always love that I do this, but sometimes they say such awesome things, and I know that they see the goodness of their contribution to another family.  I talked to my boys for the first time last week about Emma, Isabella's big sister.  They are so wise in their innocence, and understand what a loss her parents feel, and how special it is that Isabella will always have big sister watching over her.  We are able to not only help give a child to a family, but at the same time we are able to gain understanding and appreciation for the many blessing that we have.

I am always so excited to reach the end of our journey so that my IPs will have their child in their arms.  But after my last journey, I know that the end is bittersweet.  Sweet in these parents holding a healthy, living child in their arms. Bitter in the end of such an amazing and beautiful experience.  I cannot even describe my joy at having such amazing IPs, both my last IPs and my current IPs.  I have friends who have never heard back on how their surro children are doing.  I am in contact with my surrotwins and their awesome family, and I have such involved IPs now, and it is truly a blessing to my family.
I have 12 more weeks scheduled with Isabella.  I am going to grow her as strong and healthy as I am able.  And when she decides to make her debut, I will be so content, so happy, and so appreciative of the amazing parents who will be by my side, ready to welcome her with open arms.

Rutabegas, not children, for Thanksgiving

So, nobody really knows what a rutabega is, I mean come on!  But that is what Babycenter has decided to compare Isabella to at 25 weeks.  She is about 1 1/2 pounds now, which is roughly the weight of a rutabega.  She is growing so quickly, but I think she seems so small.  I pulled up a picture of me pregnant with the twins at 24 weeks and am going to compare it to the one I took a week ago at 24 weeks- and then you will see why I feel so small!

Isabella at 24 wks                                                

                 Twins at 24 wks

I feel wonderful, aside from some heartburn and an inability to bend, my body is doing well (I think it is just praising me for not putting in twins again ;).  The crazy pregnant lady hormones are out in full swing, but I can live with those.  Isabella is still moving and happy, or so I always imagine her to be.  She is so easy to get along with and so peaceful.  I hope she stays this way for her parents.
Last Tuesday my surrotwins turned one.  Their mother had sent me a picture of them from Halloween (they were Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Dr. Seuss) and they are beautiful.  I think they grow cuter every day, and they have such charming smiles.  Sometimes, I have amazing surrogate moments.  For example, I kept thinking their birthday was on the 19th, and I finally had to ask Jason what the date of their birth actually was!  Obviously, that is information that moms keep track of, so it was just another reminder of how completely I am their not-mother.  I look at those children the same way I look at all babies I love, and I wonder that they grew inside of me for nine months.  I wonder at the miracle of God that He saw fit to allow me to carry children and never doubt who they belong to. 
Yesterday, my children left for a Thanksgiving trip with their father.  I was sad all week leading up to their departure, and I feel like a piece of me is gone.  Divorce is such an evil beast, but sometimes necessary and sometimes it brings good.  One of the ironic good things it has brought is that my love for my children is so strong.  So many parents wish for a "break" from their kids.  Well, I get mandatory breaks from my kids, and I realize every time they leave how very much I love them, how very much they are a part of my heart, and how very devastated I would be without them.  I am sure the pregnancy hormones don't help at all, but I just miss them.  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I will enjoy the blessings I have, and praise God that He has given me my children.  So, even though I won't have them on this certain date, I have them in my life.
My greatest blessing is that I am a mother.  I can never pay back the gratitude I feel to God for this gift.  All I can do is pay it forward, and help other women becomes mothers as well. 
My husband is coming home.  He just drove all around town looking for the movie we wanted to watch.  I will climb in his lap (and enjoy the last few weeks I fit) and he will hold me.  When my children are gone, I still have his warmth to remind me that I am not alone- even if it otherwise just me and the rutabega.

A mango, two dogs, and three monkeys

Isabella is a mango this week.  Well, obviously she really isn't a mango, but she is roughly the weight of one ( 1 pound) according to babycenter.com.  Every week, I get an update comparing her to some kind of fruit or vegetable.  Then, her mother and I can talk about her "little mango".  Isabella is a wiggly, tumbly, bouncy little girl.  I love it when I am at work teaching, or sitting in a meeting, and I feel a "bump", "Thump", "BAM" in my belly.  I love to know that she is thriving and playing and happy.  I am gaining weight like mad this pregnancy.  6 pounds last month, and 5 each month before.  That puts me up at least 20 pounds so far- and we are barely past the halfway mark.  So, 23 weeks and counting... this pregnancy is going so well that I often forget she is in here- until she wakes up and starts to play :)
Two dogs are currently racing around my house trying to prove their dominance over each other.  Whisper is here for the week, so our (very new and very young and very hyperactive) dog Charlie-the-crazy-border-collie has a cohort to wreak havoc on my home with.  They both drive me nuts, but they entertain the children, which brings me to...
My three precious monkeys.  I don't know if it is pregnancy-induced hormones, or just me, but the kids were with their father the last two weekends, and both weekends, I just wanted to cry.  It has always been so easy to have those mom moments where I am screaming in my head, "I need a break!", but now that I have spent so many weekends and summer weeks alone without my children, those moments always come with a grain of salt.  I realize now how fleeting my time with my children is.  I never know how much longer I will have them, how much longer God's grace will allow me to be so blessed, or how quickly the remaining years of their childhood will fly by. 
They are growing up so fast, so smart, so talented, so beautiful.  I look at them sometimes and just think, "of all the things I could have done in this life, I chose this."  And I look at the chaos of my home, and I listen to them screeching and hollering and squealing, and I smell popcorn that nobody is watching burn in the microwave, and I think about all the places they need to go tomorrow and the things that must be done by week's end, and I realize, "this is exactly what I was meant to do; this is exactly who I was meant to be."
I cannot imagine my life without them.  I do not hide from them that Katie was nearly here when I married her father, or that I think getting pregnant at eighteen is a very bad idea.  But, I tell them, with all honesty, that I chose to be a mother the day I chose to keep her.  I tell them that I did want other things and I did have other plans, but that I wanted to be their mom waaayyy more than I wanted any of those other things.  I tell them I had made a deal with Heavenly Father when I was a little girl that if I could only do one thing on this Earth, I wanted to be a mom.  And I know with Katie's coming, He was holding me to my end of our deal.  And He has held true to His.  I have my children.  Every day, I see them grow.  Every night, I kiss them goodnight.  Every moment of my life, I am a mother.  
So, when people look at my surrogacy journeys as a sign that I am totally insane, I am flabbergasted.  I was given the miracle of being a mom.  I was given the gift to be able to carry a child safely into this world.  I would choose being a mother- in fact, I did, choose to be a mother- over anything else.  So, my question, really, to those women who look at me like I am nuts is, "how could you not?"  How could you not want to help another woman know the joy that you get every day? 
  Really, am I the one who is crazy?  Or am I the one with compassion, with courage, with love in my heart?
Most of the people I talk to about surrogacy say, "Oh, I could do that for my sister, or my best friend, but not for a stranger."  Well, I happen to believe that God created all of us and we are brothers and sisters.  So, you know what, I am doing this for my sister.  I am doing this for another child of God, another woman who wants to be a mother just as desperately as I did. 
I sit here with a mango-baby in my belly, two dogs running amuck, and three children eating a bedtime snack.  It is probably chaos.  It is probably too noisy for any of these thoughts I am having to be coherent. But, I am smiling through my tears of gratitude.  I am humbled that I have such great blessings.  I am humbled by the grace of God that allows me such joy.