What I should have told the kooky counselor

We went to the clinic a few weeks ago- my IM,my IF, and me.  The IVF doctor had to make sure that my uterus hadn't mutated since my last delivery, and we were relieved to see that it was, in fact, exactly and perfectly as we had left it.  We were ready for a calendar (I always love to have the dates and the plan of action laid out in front of me), but much to our dismay, the nurse coordinator said that I had to have a procedure done- an hsg- which is short for some big, long medical word that basically means "shoot nasty chemicals that will show up as contrast in an x-ray into your uterus and push them through your fallopian tubes to make sure there are no blockages".  Of course, the procedure had to be planned in advance, and we had not planned it in advance since we did not know about it.  We were pretty bummed.  The silver lining to the clinic causing a delay in my testing was the absolutely amazing news that this clinic is going to allow me to use Crinone instead of PIO.  Translated to human speak:  I will simply take a suppository instead of stabbing myself with a 1 1/2 inch needle every night for approximately 6-8 weeks.  I feel my hips doing a happy dance and my poor, abused blood vessels smiling with glee!
We headed off to a yummy lunch at a local downtown Austin restaurant, and then went back to my IPs' house to relax, visit, and check out the miniature donkeys in the backyard.  We had a relaxing afternoon, and then headed back to Austin for our appointment with the counselor. 
Counseling is an important step in the surrogacy process.  The first time I was a surrogate, I had to take the MMPI (which I call the crazy test), meet with the counselor independently, and then meet with her with the IPs.  The second time, I got to skip the crazy test, but still met with the counselor with my IM (and IF by phone), and then talk to her alone.  The purpose of the counseling is to determine if the surrogate is in an emotionally and mentally balanced state to endure a pregnancy and the related challenges and trials that come with it, and then hand the baby back to his/her parents and still remain psychologically intact.  The purpose of counseling for the IPs is to make sure they are ready to go through another trying procedure and that they are emotionally healthy enough to try something else that could fail.  I think the reasons for meeting all together are to establish our expectations for and during the pregnancy, the way we will treat each other and communicate throughout the process, and how we plan for things to end.  
At first, I thought the counseling was a complete and total waste of time. Seriously.  The MMPI asked if I heard voices in my head telling me to hurt myself. This seemed silly at the time. However, I have come to appreciate the counseling, and yes, even the test. With my first couple, it was just another 't' to cross, but with my second couple, I truly felt concern about the emotional state of the mother since she had recently delivered a living child who died soon after birth.  The counselor was able to show me how the mother was handling it in a healthy way and alleviate my fears for her well-being. I realized then that the reason I take the crazy test and speak with the counselor is so the parents know that I can make it through this process without going nuts and that I am capable of handling the emotional difficulty of this seemingly bizarre situation.
This time, we visited with a new and somewhat eccentric counselor.   I did not meet with her alone, only with my IPs. I expected the same type of questions as always. Why did you become a surrogate?  Does your husband support you?  How are your relationships with your previous couples? 
The conversation went easily.  We had already agreed about everything and knew we would not have trouble with termination or selective reduction ( we both want a healthy, living child- a perfect one is just a bonus). We had already gone through trouble with the agency and the contracts, so we knew we could handle adversity well.  At one point, I told my IM, " close your ears" because I did not want my words about the beauty of carrying a child and feeling them kick inside to hurt her. The counselor stopped us, and pointed out that I already cared about my IM - awesome!  She told us that we already showed concern for each other's feelings, well-being, and protection.  What a great thing to hear at the beginning of a friendship.
There came a point toward the end of our visit where we were ready to leave, but the counselor just 
kept firing away with the questions. There came a question that I simply didn't know how to answer. 
She asked, " Why do you love your previous IPs?". 
I couldn't think of a a response. I tell her, " I carried their child(ren) for them."
She asks again, "but what makes you love them?"
Again, I am stumped. I try again, " We keep in touch."
"Yes, but why?" she poses, and I am reaching for straws here. 
 I blurt out the only other thing that comes to mind.  " Well, a few months after the twins were born
their mother sent me a necklace with two doves on it. She told me they represent the spirits that I carried here for them.  The day after I delivered my last surrobaby, her mother gave me a necklace with my children's birthstones on it.   These are symbols to me of our journeys together, and I love them for thinking of me with this reminder."
I look at the counselor to see if she approves (as I look at my IPs in horror that I just blurted out 
something so stupid and materialistic). I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I didn't. We just ended our meeting with the kind and kooky counselor and went our separate ways. 
On the way home, I started thinking about her question. I wanted to find the truth so that I wold know for myself what makes me care for these people so deeply, so quickly...


I think about my love for these families that I helped to grow. I didn't start to love them at the end
 of our journey when they gave me a tangible gift. I didn't start to love them when their child was born.  I loved them way before then. 
So I go back to the beginning. I think of my first meeting with each couple. I think of the words they speak and the expressions on their faces as they explain to me why they are on the road to surrogacy. I remember the sorrow in their eyes when they tell me of their losses, and I still see the love in their eyes when they speak about falling in love with their spouses. I listen to the passion in their voices as they share their desire to become parents. I feel sincerity in their tone, and I see the light of hope alive in them when they speak of the possibility that surrogacy will bring them a child. 
In each case, I know right away that I want to work with each couple. Why?
It is the human suffering they have endured.  The grace with which they accept reality. The strength they have gained through their trials. The love they have for each other. The desire they have to become parents. The hope. I fall in love with these couples the very first time I meet them. I see my brother and my sister in need, I see their humanity- the grief and the joy and the hope (always the hope), and I want to walk with them awhile. I want to carry a child for my sister while she is unable, and I want to absorb some of their strength as we go. 
Every moment after that first meeting is just our friendship and our love growing.  Every phone call to check on their child, every intake of breath as I share the baby's heart rate, every smile when they can feel their baby kicking them through my belly, every tear that they shed when they watch their child dancing on the ultrasound screen makes me love them more. 
By the end, by the time this couple is holding their child, they are my family.  We have walked through fire together and I love them. 
That is what I should  have told the counselor.   That is what I should have told my IPs.

Contract Hell

This journey has started out with a whole lotta madness!  We have spent the last several weeks in contract hell.  My IPs and I were easily able to come to terms with our contract- however, they and the agency did not seem to see eye to eye on the agency contract. 
This was exceedingly frustrating to me because I love my agency (I have used the same one every time with great results) and I feel very strongly that I should work with this couple.  I could not see a clear way to work this out- since I did not want to break my word to either party, and I had agreed to work with both.  
So, after weeks (maybe only one or two, but it feels like three or four) of trying to get them to all agree to terms, several conversations and emails with the attorneys, and frustrating conversations with everyone involved, we realized that it was not a good idea to force the agency and the  IPs to work together.  Since neither of the other parties wanted to work with each other, we agreed they shouldn't- which left Jason and me in a rather awkward position.
It was a difficult decision, but Jason and I were able to accept and embrace the idea of working independently with this fabulous couple.
It is amazing how weeks of crazy frustration sum up so neatly on the page (it is actually quite maddening!). However, one lesson I have learned through my adventures as a surrogate is that once we reach the end goal and there is a healthy child in the arms of my IPs, nobody will even care that we went through these bumps in the beginning. 
I love surrogacy.  I love being part of a world in which I can help other people know the great happiness of parenthood.  I am amazed every day that God has put this great blessing in my life.
I move forward from this rocky beginning onto another unknown path.  I pray that we will be blessed with smooth sailing and a gentle breeze, but I also pray for the strength and endurance to press on through stormy seas to bring a child safely into the loving arms waiting at our journey's end. 

No fear (and the beginning of journey 4)

I have started writing this post five times. Let's hope the sixth time works out.
I have brought six children into this world.  Three of them are mine, and the other three belong to two beautiful and amazing families. 
After the failed sibling project this past summer, I thought that maybe I was done.  I thought that maybe I was not meant to carry another child.  I thought that maybe six was enough.  I had given back to the world the life that had been graciously bestowed upon me, and it was time to find another path.  But then, I knew, deep in that place without words, that I am meant to carry another child.  I am meant to continue this journey that has brought such blessings to my family and those we have travelled with.
I have met a new set of friends.  I have met on this path a couple who is energetic, and happy, and full of joy.  I have visited with them and the time has just flown by as we have talked about life- work, travel, childhood, sorrows, and dreams.  We agree on the importance of family, of truthfulness, of the sanctity of each human life, and of living life with purpose.  What more can I ask for?
We have met on this path and have chosen to walk together for a spell. 

I am thankful to be on this road.  I believe that people are put on this earth to love each other.  There are so many ways that we can show that love, and this is my way.  I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
As we begin this journey, I am filled with joy and hope and a healthy dose of humility, but for the first time, I am not afraid.
 

Why?

Why, when a woman carries her own grandchild, is it a miracle?
Why, when a woman carries her sister's child, is it a blessing?
Why, when a woman carries her best friend's child, is it beautiful?
Why, when a woman carries a stranger's child, is it terrible?
Why, when a woman carries for a couple with no womb of their own, is it a shame?

Why?

Ending

Part of me has been avoiding this post.  Part of me has been too busy to write it.  But it is time.
My IPs and I were so excited to begin our sibling journey.  My IM had one more test the doctor wanted to run before we began, and that test delivered the terrible news- we would not be able to retrieve eggs of sufficient quality to attempt another baby.
My IPs came to the decision that they had tried all they could, and they were so blessed to have Isabella. 
I agree.
They decided that it was just too much pain to keep trying and keep losing. 
There will not be a sibling project.
There will be happiness in this amazing child God has blessed them with.
My sweet IM has emailed me to check on me- on me.  And she is the one who lost hope of another child.  And she is the one hurting.  And she is checking on me.
I love this woman.  I love her daughter and I love her husband.  They are my family.
I knew Isabella was a miracle, but I never realized until now that she is the only miracle they will have.  I never realized how everything happened exactly as it was meant to.
I have always questioned myself for finding new IPs and having another baby so quickly after delivering the twins (mostly because of what it has done to my body).  Now, I know that I did it because that was the perfect moment to bring Isabella here. 
This amazing couple gave me a piece of their heart when I carried Isabella.  I gave them a piece of my heart when I returned Isabella to their  arms. 
I keep trying to type the words to show that our journey has ended, that we are ending, but we are not.  Our sibling project has ended, but our journey continues on.
I leave this painful part of our joureney stronger and braver than I was when I began.  We enter the part of our journey where we are friends- and that path will carry us into forever.

Growing excitement again

After what felt like an eternity, but was really just a summer, my husband and I were able to meet with my lovely IPs and their precious daughter.
 Over the summer my IPs had met with the doctor, and they wanted to meet and talk in person before we made a decision about moving forward.  Of course, this terrified me since I was afraid that talking in person meant bad news.  But it didn't.  Not really.
We met over lunch at a yummy restaurant and visited about life and adventure- as all friends do.  It wasn't until we were almost done eating that I realized we hadn't even talked about the sibling project yet!  I love this about my IPs.  They are my friends and we enjoy spending time with them even when we aren't working on a project.
We finally got down to business, and here's the scoop.
Well, just kidding.  First, a tiny bit of background knowledge for your understanding.  When a woman goes in for reproductive assistance (ie. can't get preggo), the doctor does a blood test for a certain hormone (I think) to check the levels.  The levels are supposed to be over 1.
Now for the news.
When we cycled with Isabella, IM's number was 1.2- this is good. 
This summer, the number was something like .4- this is not good.
The doctor's first response was to use an egg donor.
The doctor's second response was that we have a 15% chance of getting pregnant with IM's eggs.
My lovely, sweet IPs wanted to meet just to make sure that I would still want to try with them with such low odds of success.
This took me the space of a breath to look at my husband for his look of affirmation, nod my head at his response, and say, " YES!"
The doctor told us we had very high chances of the embryos surviving the thaw in June- well, he was wrong.
The doctor tells us we have a very low chance of getting a viable embryo this way- well, he was wrong before, and he can be wrong again.
I have never been one to believe in the odds. 
I do believe in this family.  I do believe in Isabella having the chance to be a big sister.
Her mother said to me, "how could I look Isabella in the eye (when she gets older) and tell her that we did not try everything to make her a big sister?"
Well, how could I?
I believe we will succeed.
I continue to live in hope.
I wait now, not in impatience, but with certainty that I will receive that call from my IM with a date, the email from the clinic with a calendar, and another chance to make a family grow.

Forward... progress... I think

I ran out of patience.  After a month of waiting in limbo, I couldn't wait any longer.  I emailed my IM, and I found out that my IPs want to move forward.  I am happy.
I don't know the details.  I am waiting until we can get together to discuss them, but I am hoping that we will have forward progress soon.