Isn't that why I became a teacher? So I can stay home all summer with my kids? I just watched them perform a "fashion show" for me. Katie always plays the "host" and the boys dress up as cowboys, football players, old men, babies, and all kinds of funny things. They even dressed the dog up for a wedding!
We do a few things every day ,but mostly we just hang out, watch a movie, go for a walk (if it isn't a bazillion degrees out- so not for a while), and count down until our short vacation we get to take in a few weeks.
I think I should probably be doing more to get ready for the wedding... I think I should probably try to get started with learning about my new job... I think I should get the house organized for the upcoming school year when I will be super busy... I think I should clean the house since we will have guests soon... but I think I will wait until next week!
I have read, by my estimation, 7 books this summer and am into number 8. I know, I know, the English teacher should have read more. But, in my defense, I read Atlas Shrugged, which is 1100 pages (ish) of very small print. I love disappearing into the realm of fiction. Somebody else's big adventure, somebody else's screwed up life, somebody else that I know will get a happy ending- and if they don't, well, I know that it isn't real.
I can't wait for the wedding. I can't wait to FINALLY be married to Jason :) I can't wait to see (most) all of the people I love and have a huge party. I can't wait to sigh a big sigh of relief that we made it through all the drama and now get to get on to the business of living our lives. My grandma is coming to Texas for the first time- Wahoo! I think I decided to have a real wedding just so she would come ;) My siblings- mostly (and I won't comment on the "mostly" or I will be cranky) are coming. I get to meet my niece that I have never seen, and play with my niece I haven't seen since she was a tiny baby! I get to see my surro twins- I haven't seen them since March. They will be nine months old and I am so excited they can come. I can't wait to be with my family. Did I say that yet? Okay, moving on...
I am so excited about the kidney bean, but there will be more on that later ;)
And, since I have a fussing child, I will leave you with my profound thoughts on life I have gleaned from my summer reading, my topsy-turvy life, and whatever else I have experienced lately:
There is only one way to live a fulfilling life- on your own terms. Nothing else will be satisfying.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Dear IP
I have been thinking lately about everything I see when I look at an IP (surrogacy- related term for Intended Parent- the person that is intended to become a parent by the end of the process).
I think about all the things people say about surrogates. Aside from all the negative things and the misunderstandings, people seem to see that surrogates give their time, their bodies, their hearts, and receive in payment for services rendered varying sums of money, or no money, as is the case for many. I have been called a blessing, an angel, and a gift. I am embarrassed to be spoken of that way, for I am none of those things. I am just a woman doing something that I know God wants me to do. And when I think about what I have received as a surrogate, it brings me back to the IPs. So, I have been writing a letter in my head to all of my IPs (and somehow to all IPs) and I am going to go ahead and try to write it now.
Dear IP,
As I imagine meeting you, I wonder what you will be like. I imagine a woman suffering from the loss of dreamed-of- motherhood, I imagine a woman who has been weakened by sorrow, and overcome with despair. I imagine a man by your side who is empty and aching for the joy of throwing his own child into the air as she squeals with delight. I look at my children, and I imagine the loss of each of their lives, and can only barely, slightly, infintesimally glimpse the horrors you have seen as you have watched your living children die, as you have watched your body betray you and leave you vacant inside. I imagine the pain in your eyes, and I don't know how I will bear to see the hurt.
As I meet you, I look into your eyes and I am amazed by what I see. I see the strength of having endured unimaginable loss and still being able to believe in miracles. I see the determination of a person determined to succeed when all they have met with is failure. I see the power of true love in the man who married a woman knowing she would never be able to bear the children of his dreams. I am amazed by what I see, and by what I don't see. I don't see anger at the world, I don't see jealousy of the mother walking by, I don't see you feeling sorry for yourself. I see someone driven to action. I see someone who knows that there is always a way. I see a mind with a dream. I see a heart full of hope.
And when I see your strength, when I see your determination, when I see your love, and mostly, when I see your hope, I am humbled. I am humbled to know that I will never be as strong as you. I will never be as determined as you. I will never know what it means to try and try again. I will never have to hold to hope as tightly as you do, and I will never be able to inspire anyone as you have inspired me.
Dear IP, you have taught me what it means to love. You have taught me what it means to hope. You have taught me that if you never give up, you will reach your goal. You have taught me to believe in miracles.
I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for granting me this moment to see into your soul. I thank you for sharing your most private pain with me, and for allowing me to see the brilliant light of your soul reflecting through your eyes. There will never be adequate words to express my gratitude for the values you have brought to me. I will be forever changed.
I think about all the things people say about surrogates. Aside from all the negative things and the misunderstandings, people seem to see that surrogates give their time, their bodies, their hearts, and receive in payment for services rendered varying sums of money, or no money, as is the case for many. I have been called a blessing, an angel, and a gift. I am embarrassed to be spoken of that way, for I am none of those things. I am just a woman doing something that I know God wants me to do. And when I think about what I have received as a surrogate, it brings me back to the IPs. So, I have been writing a letter in my head to all of my IPs (and somehow to all IPs) and I am going to go ahead and try to write it now.
Dear IP,
As I imagine meeting you, I wonder what you will be like. I imagine a woman suffering from the loss of dreamed-of- motherhood, I imagine a woman who has been weakened by sorrow, and overcome with despair. I imagine a man by your side who is empty and aching for the joy of throwing his own child into the air as she squeals with delight. I look at my children, and I imagine the loss of each of their lives, and can only barely, slightly, infintesimally glimpse the horrors you have seen as you have watched your living children die, as you have watched your body betray you and leave you vacant inside. I imagine the pain in your eyes, and I don't know how I will bear to see the hurt.
As I meet you, I look into your eyes and I am amazed by what I see. I see the strength of having endured unimaginable loss and still being able to believe in miracles. I see the determination of a person determined to succeed when all they have met with is failure. I see the power of true love in the man who married a woman knowing she would never be able to bear the children of his dreams. I am amazed by what I see, and by what I don't see. I don't see anger at the world, I don't see jealousy of the mother walking by, I don't see you feeling sorry for yourself. I see someone driven to action. I see someone who knows that there is always a way. I see a mind with a dream. I see a heart full of hope.
And when I see your strength, when I see your determination, when I see your love, and mostly, when I see your hope, I am humbled. I am humbled to know that I will never be as strong as you. I will never be as determined as you. I will never know what it means to try and try again. I will never have to hold to hope as tightly as you do, and I will never be able to inspire anyone as you have inspired me.
Dear IP, you have taught me what it means to love. You have taught me what it means to hope. You have taught me that if you never give up, you will reach your goal. You have taught me to believe in miracles.
I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for granting me this moment to see into your soul. I thank you for sharing your most private pain with me, and for allowing me to see the brilliant light of your soul reflecting through your eyes. There will never be adequate words to express my gratitude for the values you have brought to me. I will be forever changed.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Summer is here
Summer is upon us. I look forward to this time all year long- it is what I think of when I am fed up with my students, with waking up at 5 am every morning, with never having time to clean my house. So why is it that with its arrival I am filled with such nostalgia?
This year marks my fourth year here in Alto. This year the students that I have taught since their freshman year are graduating. On Friday night, I will sit in the stands and watch them walk across the stage for the final time. I will see them together, laughing, crying, cheering, and hugging each other- as they have done for the last thirteen years of their lives- for the last time. They will hug me good-bye (or not) and I will see them when they come to visit or pick up transcripts (or not), but it will never be the same.
While they were at graduation practice yesterday, I was cleaning out my cupboard. I found poems, posters, projects, and short stories they had written. I have kept these things for the last four years mostly on accident, but gathering them up and throwing them away at the same time my seniors were coming in to tell my good-bye was so bittersweet. I realize how quickly time flies by and how important it is to tell people everything good and wonderful about them every minute you have with them because the time we have to influence them for good or help them understand something is so small. I will never see these kids in this same context again. They are grown. I have done my job, and I pray that I did it well enough that it will enable them to succeed in the world outside.
And another day has passed and I am on day two of trying to write this post! Today is the last day of school. Very few students are here, my room is clean, and I am going to go pick the boys up "early" so that they can feel special ;) It has been a great year, a busy (crazy busy) spring, and now the kids and I get the summer to just play sports, games, travel, and SLEEP IN!
I love what I do, especially in the summer ;)
This year marks my fourth year here in Alto. This year the students that I have taught since their freshman year are graduating. On Friday night, I will sit in the stands and watch them walk across the stage for the final time. I will see them together, laughing, crying, cheering, and hugging each other- as they have done for the last thirteen years of their lives- for the last time. They will hug me good-bye (or not) and I will see them when they come to visit or pick up transcripts (or not), but it will never be the same.
While they were at graduation practice yesterday, I was cleaning out my cupboard. I found poems, posters, projects, and short stories they had written. I have kept these things for the last four years mostly on accident, but gathering them up and throwing them away at the same time my seniors were coming in to tell my good-bye was so bittersweet. I realize how quickly time flies by and how important it is to tell people everything good and wonderful about them every minute you have with them because the time we have to influence them for good or help them understand something is so small. I will never see these kids in this same context again. They are grown. I have done my job, and I pray that I did it well enough that it will enable them to succeed in the world outside.
And another day has passed and I am on day two of trying to write this post! Today is the last day of school. Very few students are here, my room is clean, and I am going to go pick the boys up "early" so that they can feel special ;) It has been a great year, a busy (crazy busy) spring, and now the kids and I get the summer to just play sports, games, travel, and SLEEP IN!
I love what I do, especially in the summer ;)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Busy
Some days, life just seems overwhelming. I am surrounded by people I love, I have a good job, I am going to marry the man I love, my children tell my they love me every day, and it will be summer in just eleven more school days... why do I get overwhelmed? I think it must be hormonal or something.
Why am I so annoyed that after I buy my daughter a new bathing suit, sunglasses, and t shirt for her field trip, arrange the sleepover so she can go, and make sure she has sunscreen for the water park, does she get mad at me because I can't call her principal at six o'clock at night so she can get special permission to ride with a friend?
Why am I so upset that the house is a disaster when I at least have a house?
Why does it matter that I have no time to sit at the computer without knowing that something important is not getting done?
Why do I worry that the plants Jason carefully planted will die in my care before they even start to wilt?
I don't know... and I am too tired to look for the answers.
I know that life is good. I know that I love being alive and being healthy only slightly less than I love my children being alive and happy. I know that I am so immensely blessed, I shouldn't even worry or stress out. I hope maybe it is just because I strive to be the best I can be and know that I have a long way to go...
Goal number 1: Get the kids to bed
Goal number 2: Get to work on time
Goal number 3: I'll think about it in the morning (that's why I have a calendar).
Why am I so annoyed that after I buy my daughter a new bathing suit, sunglasses, and t shirt for her field trip, arrange the sleepover so she can go, and make sure she has sunscreen for the water park, does she get mad at me because I can't call her principal at six o'clock at night so she can get special permission to ride with a friend?
Why am I so upset that the house is a disaster when I at least have a house?
Why does it matter that I have no time to sit at the computer without knowing that something important is not getting done?
Why do I worry that the plants Jason carefully planted will die in my care before they even start to wilt?
I don't know... and I am too tired to look for the answers.
I know that life is good. I know that I love being alive and being healthy only slightly less than I love my children being alive and happy. I know that I am so immensely blessed, I shouldn't even worry or stress out. I hope maybe it is just because I strive to be the best I can be and know that I have a long way to go...
Goal number 1: Get the kids to bed
Goal number 2: Get to work on time
Goal number 3: I'll think about it in the morning (that's why I have a calendar).
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
I have heard many quotes and cute sayings about Mother's Day. Today my mother gave me a book of them as a gift, and I love the pictures with the quotes on them. I guess, if I had to write my own quote for Mother's Day, it would go something like this, "Mom- I can't imagine who I would be without you, and I can't imagine life without you. Thank you for choosing to love me for all of these years."
Being a mom is the most amazing gift I have ever been given. Having an amazing mom is the greatest blessing. I thank God for my mother every day, and I pray that I will get to keep her for a long, long time.
My children let me sleep in this morning. They bought me flowers. They helped Jason (I think) get breakfast ready. They tried not to fight. They folded and put away laundry (with just a few loud complaints). They made me pretty things at school and brought them home today. But better than that, they hugged me and told me they loved me. And even better than that, they were here. Through all that we have been through, through the loss of our 'perfect' family, I have learned that having my children with me is a gift in and of itself. They don't have to do anything to make me enjoy Mother's Day. Just by virtue of being here, I am able to not only honor my mother, but celebrate this day and realize the depth of love and respect we owe our mothers, because I understand what each one goes through for her children.
I was able to wake up today to a house full of love, even with the whining and fighting and the mess, I have three children. These are my blessings, these are my gifts from God and the only thing of worth I leave to the Earth.
I am many things, but if I could only be one, if I had to sum up all that I am and all that I want to be, it would be in the word "mom."
I spent the afternoon with my family. We watched the children play, we ate good food, and we even played kickball- girls versus boys- and we lost terribly! I can't imagine not having a family. I can't imagine my family without the mothers we have in it.
"'Mother' is the name for God in the minds and hearts of little children."
What a task I have before me. What power I have been endowed with by God to be ready for all that I must do for my children. What greater power and responsibility has God put on the earth than that He instills in His daughters?
Being a mom is the most amazing gift I have ever been given. Having an amazing mom is the greatest blessing. I thank God for my mother every day, and I pray that I will get to keep her for a long, long time.
My children let me sleep in this morning. They bought me flowers. They helped Jason (I think) get breakfast ready. They tried not to fight. They folded and put away laundry (with just a few loud complaints). They made me pretty things at school and brought them home today. But better than that, they hugged me and told me they loved me. And even better than that, they were here. Through all that we have been through, through the loss of our 'perfect' family, I have learned that having my children with me is a gift in and of itself. They don't have to do anything to make me enjoy Mother's Day. Just by virtue of being here, I am able to not only honor my mother, but celebrate this day and realize the depth of love and respect we owe our mothers, because I understand what each one goes through for her children.
I was able to wake up today to a house full of love, even with the whining and fighting and the mess, I have three children. These are my blessings, these are my gifts from God and the only thing of worth I leave to the Earth.
I am many things, but if I could only be one, if I had to sum up all that I am and all that I want to be, it would be in the word "mom."
I spent the afternoon with my family. We watched the children play, we ate good food, and we even played kickball- girls versus boys- and we lost terribly! I can't imagine not having a family. I can't imagine my family without the mothers we have in it.
"'Mother' is the name for God in the minds and hearts of little children."
What a task I have before me. What power I have been endowed with by God to be ready for all that I must do for my children. What greater power and responsibility has God put on the earth than that He instills in His daughters?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
It's been forever and what news I have to tell!
And the door into forever has opened wide...
On the last Friday of Spring Break, Jason and I went out to breakfast at this fabulous restaurant in Marble Falls. This restaurant even boasts banana cream pie- and it is sooo good! I knew he had something for me, and I kept waiting for him to break down and let me have it. So, when he told me that he put it in the pie, I started looking to see if there was a gap or smeared spot in the cool whip. There wasn't. So, no ring, but I got the best banana pie ever...
We decided to go to Enchanted Rock for a picnic. Enchanted Rock is this humongous (I think an acre big?) rock that you actually can climb up and walk around on. It is the size of a very large hill, but it is all rock. We failed to realize that there was a crazy long line to get in, so we ended up eating our picnic in the car- which was good, because it is really windy on top of a rock...
We hiked up the rock, and it was so beautiful. We looked around at the land around us that seemed to go on forever. I asked a man to take our picture, Jason said something to him (I thought about making the camera work), and we smiled for the camera. The man said, "just let me take a few more", so we just stood there smiling. Well, let me rephrase, I stood there smiling, trying to ignore Jason bumping around in his pocket while I pretended not to know what he was doing. Then, he leaned in close (it was hard to hear over the wind) and said, "Emily, I knew from the first day I met you that I was going to marry you, (then he started to cry and I think he forgot whatever he had planned to say next)", kneeled down, opened up the ring box with my BEAUTIFUL sapphire ring in it, and asked, "will you marry me?" Of course, I said yes and pulled him up for a big hug and kiss. It was a beautiful moment. And, thanks to our picture-taking friend, we have pictures of the entire event!
On the last Friday of Spring Break, Jason and I went out to breakfast at this fabulous restaurant in Marble Falls. This restaurant even boasts banana cream pie- and it is sooo good! I knew he had something for me, and I kept waiting for him to break down and let me have it. So, when he told me that he put it in the pie, I started looking to see if there was a gap or smeared spot in the cool whip. There wasn't. So, no ring, but I got the best banana pie ever...
We decided to go to Enchanted Rock for a picnic. Enchanted Rock is this humongous (I think an acre big?) rock that you actually can climb up and walk around on. It is the size of a very large hill, but it is all rock. We failed to realize that there was a crazy long line to get in, so we ended up eating our picnic in the car- which was good, because it is really windy on top of a rock...
We hiked up the rock, and it was so beautiful. We looked around at the land around us that seemed to go on forever. I asked a man to take our picture, Jason said something to him (I thought about making the camera work), and we smiled for the camera. The man said, "just let me take a few more", so we just stood there smiling. Well, let me rephrase, I stood there smiling, trying to ignore Jason bumping around in his pocket while I pretended not to know what he was doing. Then, he leaned in close (it was hard to hear over the wind) and said, "Emily, I knew from the first day I met you that I was going to marry you, (then he started to cry and I think he forgot whatever he had planned to say next)", kneeled down, opened up the ring box with my BEAUTIFUL sapphire ring in it, and asked, "will you marry me?" Of course, I said yes and pulled him up for a big hug and kiss. It was a beautiful moment. And, thanks to our picture-taking friend, we have pictures of the entire event!
Since we were on top of the world, we had no cell service, so we sat down in a niche in the rock and looked out at the world spread ahead of us. There were no interruptions, no phones ringing, no noise that could out match the wind, just us. And we held hands and talked. And my heart was full.
I can see into forever and now I see the man I love walking beside me into eternity.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Moving On
It has been two months since the twins were born. In these two months, my body has healed, shrunk back to my scrawny size (well, except for this ridiculous extra skin around my middle), and I can now move at a regular speed. It feels good to be "normal" again.
I am spending time with my kids and with Jason. I am working and directing the play. The children have begun all of their spring activities- riding horses, tumbling, and soon we will be in baseball season. Life is busy, but busy is good I suppose...
I have seen pictures of the twins as they have grown, and they are growing like weeds! Their little faces have filled out, and their parents seem to be over-the-moon-happy still. They sent me a necklace with two doves on it- one to represent each child I brought into the world for them. It was one of the most touching gifts I have ever received, and the only necklace I have ever worn with regularity.
I am moving on, and many days I don't really think about the twins. I have found that what really makes me think of them is when I see a pregnant woman or a mother with a newborn baby- especially twins. The first time I saw a mom with newborn twins, I almost left the restaurant. I am somehow fascinated by newborns still... the only explanation I have for this is that my body and my subconscious don't realize that I'm not "supposed" to have a baby in my arms. It feels like my body is sending me signals of sorrow for the infant I should have. It is only a temporary feeling, and I understand it for what it is. The thing that I love about this feeling- and it may seem absurd- is that it makes me understand infertility just a little bit better. I think of the sorrow I feel at the "missing" babies I delivered, and then I think of the pain it must bring to the woman who is actually missing her child. I cannot imagine her pain and her grief. It makes me appreciate my children more. It makes me appreciate the miracle of surrogacy more. It makes me love these families that look to surrogacy or adoption to have children even more. Every part of this journey has been a gift- even the sorrow- for the sorrow brings joy much greater than the sadness it springs from.
I am still moving on and every day I grow further from this journey. It will always be a part of me, and I will always love this family that is now part of my heart. Every time I get a new picture of them, my heart leaps with joy. Every time I hear from them, a smile breaks out on my face.
I think of this heart-filling contentment, and I wonder, how can I not do this again?
I am spending time with my kids and with Jason. I am working and directing the play. The children have begun all of their spring activities- riding horses, tumbling, and soon we will be in baseball season. Life is busy, but busy is good I suppose...
I have seen pictures of the twins as they have grown, and they are growing like weeds! Their little faces have filled out, and their parents seem to be over-the-moon-happy still. They sent me a necklace with two doves on it- one to represent each child I brought into the world for them. It was one of the most touching gifts I have ever received, and the only necklace I have ever worn with regularity.
I am moving on, and many days I don't really think about the twins. I have found that what really makes me think of them is when I see a pregnant woman or a mother with a newborn baby- especially twins. The first time I saw a mom with newborn twins, I almost left the restaurant. I am somehow fascinated by newborns still... the only explanation I have for this is that my body and my subconscious don't realize that I'm not "supposed" to have a baby in my arms. It feels like my body is sending me signals of sorrow for the infant I should have. It is only a temporary feeling, and I understand it for what it is. The thing that I love about this feeling- and it may seem absurd- is that it makes me understand infertility just a little bit better. I think of the sorrow I feel at the "missing" babies I delivered, and then I think of the pain it must bring to the woman who is actually missing her child. I cannot imagine her pain and her grief. It makes me appreciate my children more. It makes me appreciate the miracle of surrogacy more. It makes me love these families that look to surrogacy or adoption to have children even more. Every part of this journey has been a gift- even the sorrow- for the sorrow brings joy much greater than the sadness it springs from.
I am still moving on and every day I grow further from this journey. It will always be a part of me, and I will always love this family that is now part of my heart. Every time I get a new picture of them, my heart leaps with joy. Every time I hear from them, a smile breaks out on my face.
I think of this heart-filling contentment, and I wonder, how can I not do this again?
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