April 14, 2023
She died just weeks ago
I didn't know her
but I knew her friends
her family
I knew she had depression
just like me
I knew it started when she gave birth
just like me
I knew she suffered greatly
that it never went away
I knew she tried to end the pain
more than once
But that was all I knew
And then I heard she died
and I knew
I knew how she had died
but nobody said it
nobody printed it in the obituary
nobody said it in her eulogy
nobody ever even whispered it
they left it out
like it was dirty
like it was bad
like nobody should know
like keeping quiet would make it less true
because you see,
they do not believe how she really died
they called it suicide
the coroner wrote it down
but nobody ever said the word
they left it out
like it was wrong
like it was dangerous-
they didn't see the truth
She didn't commit suicide
she didn't kill herself
not the way you say it
not the way you mean it
not the way you think of it
as failure
as weakness
as cowardice
as selfishness
as burning in hell for the rest of time
She didn't decide to go
She didn't want to go
She fought
day after day
week after week
year after year
do you know how long that is?
for ten years, it is 3,650 days.
For 16 years, it is 5,860 days.
Could you imagine fighting an illness that long?
Of being sick every day for more than 10 years?
Can you imagine?
And every time you think you're well, it comes back
No matter how hard you fight
no matter how many pills you take
no matter how hard you believe
no matter how many doctors you see
no matter how many prayers you pray
no matter how many people hold you up
it hurts
Every day
She didn't die by suicide
don't even say it
She died from depression
She fought so hard
She fought so long
She fought with all she had
She fought for her kids
She fought for her husband
She fought for her beautiful life
But in the end it didn't matter
because depression is an illness
and sometimes it wins
sometimes we die
when we get sick
and it doesn't matter
if it is physical sick
or mental sick
our bodies can handle only so much
trauma builds
endurance wanes
and eventually
the illness wins
let's honor this warrior
this woman who fought
with every prayer you prayed over her
with every day she survived
with every person she touched
with her love, with her kindness
with every memory
built during those years
where she fought with her all
to stay here with you
let's remember her strength
her bravery
her joy
let's honor those years and the light
that she gave us
and send her on with love in our hearts
with truth on our lips and
say what it was
she died from depression
She was brave for so long
Imagine the strength to fight for years
This warrior mother
respect her
love her
for her strength is an example to us all
her death a tragedy
a testament to the power of an illness
say its name
speak the truth
depression is an illness
and it killed her
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