I grieve

 I grieve

I grieve for the loss of you

I ache with the pain of it

I grieve and I grieve

and I hate myself for it

for you have broken me over and over again

and I have forgiven you every time

now you break my children

over and over again

and they forgive you every time

so why do I grieve?

why can't I hold on to the rage?

I grieve

for the loss of our combined family

for the loss of our shared memory

for the loss of our future

the things we were meant to witness together

I watch them alone and I grieve 

A few weeks ago, I took M's last first day of school picture, 

and I almost sent it to you

and then I remembered

you do not speak to me

you do not see me

you have turned me into a ghost

and instead of the rage and anger I should feel

I grieve

and I send the picture to our daughter

so she can send it to you and you will only feel joy

because even after all you did

even after all the hate and lies

I still wish you well

I still hope you happy

I still grieve

And part of me wants you to know

Would you be satisfied to know?

Would you chuckle to hear you still wield power over me?

Would you be happy I hurt?

But part of me wants to know

Do you forgive me?

Will you ever?

Do you grieve?  

Because I do

I grieve

sometimes

until there is nothing but tears

and a well of anguish

and a sorrow that shakes my soul

I grieve

8/28/21