And now I know

People tell me I am difficult

I am demanding

I have to have it my way

I am controlling

I don’t listen

I am bossy

I am loud

I need to calm down

I need to listen

I need to be quiet

And what I heard was

You are a terrible human

And I believed it

And I believed my husband was a saint to put up with me

That he lied because something was wrong with me

And I questioned why he stayed with me if I was such a terrible human

I tried to be well-behaved

Quieter

Agreeable

I poured all that I had into my family and my marriage

I did everything I felt was expected of me

And still I wasn’t enough of what I was supposed to be

And I felt trapped

I felt like screaming

But I knew it was a flaw in me

And then

And then

And then one day I was driving to work

It was sunny and beautiful 

And all of a sudden I knew

And I said over and over on my way to work,

“I am not a terrible person.”

It started as a question and became a whisper and a statement and then a shout and finally a mantra on repeat on my lips,

"I am not a terrible person."

And I walked in and told my friend, 

“I am not a terrible person.”

And she said,

“No, you’re not.”

And then I KNEW

And I was filled with a rage at the years I had wasted believing I was the flaw

I wasn’t too much

I wasn’t too loud

I wasn’t bossy

I wasn’t demanding

I wasn’t difficult

I just knew what I wanted

I was decisive

I was confident

I had become the woman my life forged out of the sweet and tender girl I once was

I fought for the life I wanted to live 

And I stood up for my dreams and my beliefs

And for this, I was told I was too much???

No

No

No

I am enough

I am brave

I am strong

I am determined

I am kind

I am understanding

I am good

And you know what?  I will fight for the life I want

I will say what is on my mind

I will be me

And now

They tell me they don’t understand

Why I don’t accept lies

Why I don’t negotiate

Why I don’t follow expectations

And I tell them they are right

They don’t understand

Because even I didn’t until recently

And I will never be less again

I will never stop taking up space

I will never compromise my happiness

I will never go back in that box

I am free

And still, they tell me to get back in my box

To compromise

To settle

And I will not

I have one beautiful life

One soul

One heart

And I will not give up my one life for anything

It is mine

And I am the only one who will fight for it

I will protect my heart

I will defend my joy

I will lift up my soul to the light 

And I will never forsake me

Never.

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