Today has been a wonderful, wonderful day. I say this because for the first time all week, I feel like I have everything done that needs to be done. That doesn't mean I don't have tons to do, but I feel in control finally. I don't know if it is the hormones I am on, or if life is just very complicated right now, but I have been so overwhelmed every day this week. Until today...
The play is good to go, I have a pair of shoes to buy and a costume to pick up, and two rehearsals to go, and then we will be off... It doesn't feel like the play has all come together yet, but it always seems to right at the tippy end. It is amazing how the kids all of a sudden figure out what their character should be like when it comes down to the wire!
As far as the surrogacy project goes, everything is right on track. I am drugged up on my lupron, estrogen, vitamins, aspirin and will soon begin taking a new round of antibiotics and progesterone in oil (very evil butt shots), but then I will get to go off the lupron shots. I am trading shots for more shots, but at least the progesterone indicates the baby will be there within days! We are planning to transfer next weekend, but are still unsure of the date. The ED won't be triggering this weekend, so I think next Friday is ruled out. That leaves some time between Saturday and Monday I think, I don't really know though and nobody seems to tell me until the last minute. It is amazing how much is left unknown until the last minute. I also wish that there was some kind of explanation of the whole process that I could have read before I started this thing. It wouldn't change my decision to do it, but I would feel more prepared. I am sooo excited for transfer, I can't wait to get this journey going (well, the fun part. Shots and weenie wands are not very interesting).
As far as the kids go, we have had a wild week. I don't know what happened to them, but they are bouncing off the walls, not going to sleep, and being noisier than ever. I think we will go to the park- despite the rain- and run, run, run! Just kidding... maybe...
Well, children call. Hopefully I will be back soon with a TRANSFER DATE!!!!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Finally!
I am so happy today. I found out yesterday that the egg donor's cyst is gone and we are proceeding with our cycle. Wahoo! I went down for my first visit this cycle and everything looks great. I have been on lupron (an insulin type shot that shoots hormone blocking drugs into my body) for 4 weeks and have just doubled up my estrogen patches, so I will be insanely hormone-filled by morning. We are TWO WEEKS to transfer and counting. I am excited and nervous and anxious for my IPs (intended parents).
I was thinking this week that I met them in November and we decided to work together then. If I had decided to have my own pregnancy in November, I would be 4 or 5 months pregnant already. That just seemed to boggle my mind.
I am also very touched by my IM (Intended mother). She sent an email today saying that she wanted me to meet the egg donor who is her very dear cousin. I had hoped to see a picture, but now I will actually get to meet her. It touches my heart that she wants me to meet someone so dear to her, and that she sees us as all working together to bring them a child. I am so full of joy to be helping bring my IPs another child. I feel like my soul is just radiating light every time I think of their joy.
On to super fun (uh, hum) things. My (I mean, my school's) play goes to competition on 3/31. Yeah, it is in like 10 days, and I am soooo not ready. With planning the surro project, the kids, and just keeping my classes going, I somehow totally missed how soon the play performance will be here. My actors/students are wonderful though and are finally starting to pull it all together. I am sure it will be great.
My dad just left after visiting for a week. It was so lovely. I feel like he and the children were really able to do some good bonding, and he helped out with so much at the house. He even helped me get some new couches- black leather. A vast improvement from the old hand-me down couch with room for 3. We can all sit down together in the living room now. Thank heaven for small favors!
Life is good.
I was thinking this week that I met them in November and we decided to work together then. If I had decided to have my own pregnancy in November, I would be 4 or 5 months pregnant already. That just seemed to boggle my mind.
I am also very touched by my IM (Intended mother). She sent an email today saying that she wanted me to meet the egg donor who is her very dear cousin. I had hoped to see a picture, but now I will actually get to meet her. It touches my heart that she wants me to meet someone so dear to her, and that she sees us as all working together to bring them a child. I am so full of joy to be helping bring my IPs another child. I feel like my soul is just radiating light every time I think of their joy.
On to super fun (uh, hum) things. My (I mean, my school's) play goes to competition on 3/31. Yeah, it is in like 10 days, and I am soooo not ready. With planning the surro project, the kids, and just keeping my classes going, I somehow totally missed how soon the play performance will be here. My actors/students are wonderful though and are finally starting to pull it all together. I am sure it will be great.
My dad just left after visiting for a week. It was so lovely. I feel like he and the children were really able to do some good bonding, and he helped out with so much at the house. He even helped me get some new couches- black leather. A vast improvement from the old hand-me down couch with room for 3. We can all sit down together in the living room now. Thank heaven for small favors!
Life is good.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Grr!
So, I know I am crazy impatient and I am trying to work on it. But seriously, I waited so patiently to get a calendar (for the surro transfer), worked out a schedule with work and the kids, and have been doing everything I am supposed to for two and a half weeks. Every night, I use my blue highlighter and cross off each day. Every night, I count how much longer we have until transfer. Totally anal, but it makes me happy.
And then, today, I get home from work and there is an email saying that the cycle has been pushed back a week. Aaahhhh! I cannot handle this. Worse than a phone call where I can ask questions and get new dates set in my head, it is an email that I cannot respond to. I have to wait all the way until tomorrow to figure out if the IVF nurse meant we are exactly one week later, or into the next week which will be like two weeks later. I also don't know if my appointment on Friday is a go or if it is cancelled!
I know these are ridiculous worries, and in the grand scheme of things it is much better to wait until everything is perfect before proceeding, but I hate it when my schedule is totally obliterated. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me that I do not actually control the schedule.
I will be fine and patient, but it is so frustrating because I am so excited for the transfer to be here!
I also don't love the hot flashes, headaches, tiredness, and overall crazy feeling that the drugs are giving me (not all at the same time, but still there)! I want so badly to reach our goal of giving C and A a beautiful baby.
I feel better now that I have vented this all out. Hopefully tomorrow I will get new dates, but I guess we may just be on hold until we find out if the evil little cyst the egg donor has is going away or still rearing its ugly little head.
I will try to remember how blessed I am that I did not have to go through all this boloney to have my babies and know that the mild irritation this causes now will be forgotten soon when we have healthy little embies growing.
I am going to work on my patience now.
And then, today, I get home from work and there is an email saying that the cycle has been pushed back a week. Aaahhhh! I cannot handle this. Worse than a phone call where I can ask questions and get new dates set in my head, it is an email that I cannot respond to. I have to wait all the way until tomorrow to figure out if the IVF nurse meant we are exactly one week later, or into the next week which will be like two weeks later. I also don't know if my appointment on Friday is a go or if it is cancelled!
I know these are ridiculous worries, and in the grand scheme of things it is much better to wait until everything is perfect before proceeding, but I hate it when my schedule is totally obliterated. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me that I do not actually control the schedule.
I will be fine and patient, but it is so frustrating because I am so excited for the transfer to be here!
I also don't love the hot flashes, headaches, tiredness, and overall crazy feeling that the drugs are giving me (not all at the same time, but still there)! I want so badly to reach our goal of giving C and A a beautiful baby.
I feel better now that I have vented this all out. Hopefully tomorrow I will get new dates, but I guess we may just be on hold until we find out if the evil little cyst the egg donor has is going away or still rearing its ugly little head.
I will try to remember how blessed I am that I did not have to go through all this boloney to have my babies and know that the mild irritation this causes now will be forgotten soon when we have healthy little embies growing.
I am going to work on my patience now.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Life is a crazy thing
Life is so busy. It seems I am running non-stop between work, play practice, t-ball, baseball, church activities, and keeping the kids involved with their friends. It seems though, that the busier I get, the happier I am. I love to do things for my kids. I sewed some patches on Triston's cub scout shirt last night, and despite the many pokes to my fingers, I was so happy. I love serving my children and helping them become better and stronger people.
I was talking to my dad a few nights ago, and it seems we have both had the same epiphany. The quote, "life is not a destination; it is a journey" basically sums it up. My dad said that he tries to do things every day that make him happy. If he feels like spending time with the grandkids, he buys a ticket to come out. He doesn't say, "oh, I will have to plan a trip." In the same vein, I have realized that waiting to achieve the goal of buying a house, or making it to summer vacation are not going to make me happy. I have found that happiness is found in the moments. They can be stolen moments in the middle of a busy day or precious moments snuggling my kids into bed. My mom always told me that I choose my life every day, and if I don't like it, change it. Today, I know that I would not change it. And that makes my heart full to bursting.
I think about my life and I am so blessed. I am so happy and have so many opportunities for joy. Even every other weekend without the children is a blessing because it makes me realize how empty my life is without them. I see that even though it is peaceful, it is not what I want.
On a super exciting note, my aunt and uncle became the proud parents of twins yesterday!!! I have new first cousins- Carson and Gracie. I never thought my uncle would become a father, and I am so glad that he has. He and his lovely wife are the reason I began to look into surrogacy, and now, a year later, they have their beautiful miracle babies in their arms.
My surrogacy journey is motoring right along. I am taking my meds like I have been directed and am just counting down until transfer day. Three weeks from yesterday!!! Well, really, it could be three weeks from Sunday- we will see. I have the greatest feeling about this surrogacy. My heart is so full of excitement for this journey. I feel like it will be so good for my family to learn and grow through this.
I was talking to my dad a few nights ago, and it seems we have both had the same epiphany. The quote, "life is not a destination; it is a journey" basically sums it up. My dad said that he tries to do things every day that make him happy. If he feels like spending time with the grandkids, he buys a ticket to come out. He doesn't say, "oh, I will have to plan a trip." In the same vein, I have realized that waiting to achieve the goal of buying a house, or making it to summer vacation are not going to make me happy. I have found that happiness is found in the moments. They can be stolen moments in the middle of a busy day or precious moments snuggling my kids into bed. My mom always told me that I choose my life every day, and if I don't like it, change it. Today, I know that I would not change it. And that makes my heart full to bursting.
I think about my life and I am so blessed. I am so happy and have so many opportunities for joy. Even every other weekend without the children is a blessing because it makes me realize how empty my life is without them. I see that even though it is peaceful, it is not what I want.
On a super exciting note, my aunt and uncle became the proud parents of twins yesterday!!! I have new first cousins- Carson and Gracie. I never thought my uncle would become a father, and I am so glad that he has. He and his lovely wife are the reason I began to look into surrogacy, and now, a year later, they have their beautiful miracle babies in their arms.
My surrogacy journey is motoring right along. I am taking my meds like I have been directed and am just counting down until transfer day. Three weeks from yesterday!!! Well, really, it could be three weeks from Sunday- we will see. I have the greatest feeling about this surrogacy. My heart is so full of excitement for this journey. I feel like it will be so good for my family to learn and grow through this.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The people I love
I realize that I have the greatest gift in the world. I have a very large and ever growing family. I have the security of knowing that I will never walk alone and that my children will never walk alone if/when I am gone one day.
Even better, I have a family that loves me and supports me no matter what I do, no matter what dumb mistakes I have made (over, and over, and over). So, it seems only logical that they will support me in this journey to give a dear boy a sibling.
Which makes me wonder why I am so afraid to tell them. I think I have had so many negative reactions when I have brought up the subject of surrogacy that I am afraid to tell anyone. I have blurted it out right out of the blue and nearly caused a car accident (sorry Dad!). I have explained it carefully and from the beginning (I would like to talk to you about something very important). I have brought it up in a casual conversation (Speaking of...).
It doesn't seem to matter how I bring it up, very few people seem to support it. Well, that is not exactly true. What I have noticed is that people seem to support surrogacy in general and like to say how it is a beautiful gift. BUT, they don't actually want their child/sister/friend to do it.
Is it out of concern for my health? My sanity? My children? Do they know that this child is not related to me in any way? Do they know the pain in the eyes of the woman who can not bear her own child? Do they know of the joy I feel when I have a child growing inside me? Do they know that I feel so good and right about doing this? Do they know that I have never felt more strongly about anything as I do about doing this?
I hope and pray that these people I love will support me in this choice. I hope that I handle myself well. I hope that they see the love in my heart. Obviously, they know I am strong-willed and will carry on anyways, but it is not to be stubborn; it is to follow the calling of my heart.
This is my life. It was given to me to live the best way I can. My heart is full of the joy and hope I see and feel from my children every day. And this choice, as all the choices I make are, is made for us.
Even better, I have a family that loves me and supports me no matter what I do, no matter what dumb mistakes I have made (over, and over, and over). So, it seems only logical that they will support me in this journey to give a dear boy a sibling.
Which makes me wonder why I am so afraid to tell them. I think I have had so many negative reactions when I have brought up the subject of surrogacy that I am afraid to tell anyone. I have blurted it out right out of the blue and nearly caused a car accident (sorry Dad!). I have explained it carefully and from the beginning (I would like to talk to you about something very important). I have brought it up in a casual conversation (Speaking of...).
It doesn't seem to matter how I bring it up, very few people seem to support it. Well, that is not exactly true. What I have noticed is that people seem to support surrogacy in general and like to say how it is a beautiful gift. BUT, they don't actually want their child/sister/friend to do it.
Is it out of concern for my health? My sanity? My children? Do they know that this child is not related to me in any way? Do they know the pain in the eyes of the woman who can not bear her own child? Do they know of the joy I feel when I have a child growing inside me? Do they know that I feel so good and right about doing this? Do they know that I have never felt more strongly about anything as I do about doing this?
I hope and pray that these people I love will support me in this choice. I hope that I handle myself well. I hope that they see the love in my heart. Obviously, they know I am strong-willed and will carry on anyways, but it is not to be stubborn; it is to follow the calling of my heart.
This is my life. It was given to me to live the best way I can. My heart is full of the joy and hope I see and feel from my children every day. And this choice, as all the choices I make are, is made for us.
I am on drugs!
So, I have been trying to write on my blog for several days. I have my calendar, my drugs came on Monday, and I took my first ever self-injected shot last night!
I was so terrified to stab myself with a needle, but Braden came in with me to give me moral support (and to keep him from tormenting his siblings!) We sat down, prepared the syringe, stared at my leg, and presto, I did it.
I feel like we are finally making progress in this journey now that I am actually doing something to physically prepare for it. There is so much work to be done to create a child using IVF; I realize how truly blessed I was to have my own children so easily.
In other exciting news, I have received a webcam from my fabulous IPs so that we can visit and chat while actually looking at each other. Our goal with this is mostly so that the children will be able to see each other and that mine will get to know the family we are helping to grow.
My thoughts have been so full and jumbled lately as I begin this journey.
I have realized that life is the greatest paradox of them all. Life is so strong and yet so fragile. It is amazing that a life can form from such small, easily destructable parts, only to grow and thrive and become a strong and vigorous child. What is even more amazing to me is the strength of the human spirit. No matter what the odds are, no matter how great the mountain, with the inspiration of God and the amazing human mind, we have found a way to scale the most distant ridges and arrive at the top of the world- able to see our dreams realized and our hopes alive.
Life is a gift- cherish it!
I was so terrified to stab myself with a needle, but Braden came in with me to give me moral support (and to keep him from tormenting his siblings!) We sat down, prepared the syringe, stared at my leg, and presto, I did it.
I feel like we are finally making progress in this journey now that I am actually doing something to physically prepare for it. There is so much work to be done to create a child using IVF; I realize how truly blessed I was to have my own children so easily.
In other exciting news, I have received a webcam from my fabulous IPs so that we can visit and chat while actually looking at each other. Our goal with this is mostly so that the children will be able to see each other and that mine will get to know the family we are helping to grow.
My thoughts have been so full and jumbled lately as I begin this journey.
I have realized that life is the greatest paradox of them all. Life is so strong and yet so fragile. It is amazing that a life can form from such small, easily destructable parts, only to grow and thrive and become a strong and vigorous child. What is even more amazing to me is the strength of the human spirit. No matter what the odds are, no matter how great the mountain, with the inspiration of God and the amazing human mind, we have found a way to scale the most distant ridges and arrive at the top of the world- able to see our dreams realized and our hopes alive.
Life is a gift- cherish it!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Exciting news today!
We signed the gestational agreement (otherwise known as a contract) today. We have been working on it since before Christmas, so I am so happy to have it complete. Also, the ED (egg donor) is ready to start her meds on Wednesday. Yay! I am not a hundred percent sure what this means for me, other than that I think I should be starting my meds soon and get this cycle underway.
It is hard to believe that a year ago I was just beginning to think about becoming a surrogate for my aunt and uncle, and they are now expecting twins in the next few weeks. My heart is so full of joy for them.
Now, here I am, about to begin a journey to help another family grow. I am so full of joy and anticipation, my impatience is at an all time high. The children saw pictures of little N, the little boy that we are going to make a big brother. The children have decided that everyone should have a little sibling, and now they can be part of making that dream come true!
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot help but bring it to themselves" James Barrie
It is hard to believe that a year ago I was just beginning to think about becoming a surrogate for my aunt and uncle, and they are now expecting twins in the next few weeks. My heart is so full of joy for them.
Now, here I am, about to begin a journey to help another family grow. I am so full of joy and anticipation, my impatience is at an all time high. The children saw pictures of little N, the little boy that we are going to make a big brother. The children have decided that everyone should have a little sibling, and now they can be part of making that dream come true!
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot help but bring it to themselves" James Barrie
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