Friday, March 27, 2009

So close, yet not close enough

Today has been a wonderful, wonderful day. I say this because for the first time all week, I feel like I have everything done that needs to be done. That doesn't mean I don't have tons to do, but I feel in control finally. I don't know if it is the hormones I am on, or if life is just very complicated right now, but I have been so overwhelmed every day this week. Until today...
The play is good to go, I have a pair of shoes to buy and a costume to pick up, and two rehearsals to go, and then we will be off... It doesn't feel like the play has all come together yet, but it always seems to right at the tippy end. It is amazing how the kids all of a sudden figure out what their character should be like when it comes down to the wire!
As far as the surrogacy project goes, everything is right on track. I am drugged up on my lupron, estrogen, vitamins, aspirin and will soon begin taking a new round of antibiotics and progesterone in oil (very evil butt shots), but then I will get to go off the lupron shots. I am trading shots for more shots, but at least the progesterone indicates the baby will be there within days! We are planning to transfer next weekend, but are still unsure of the date. The ED won't be triggering this weekend, so I think next Friday is ruled out. That leaves some time between Saturday and Monday I think, I don't really know though and nobody seems to tell me until the last minute. It is amazing how much is left unknown until the last minute. I also wish that there was some kind of explanation of the whole process that I could have read before I started this thing. It wouldn't change my decision to do it, but I would feel more prepared. I am sooo excited for transfer, I can't wait to get this journey going (well, the fun part. Shots and weenie wands are not very interesting).
As far as the kids go, we have had a wild week. I don't know what happened to them, but they are bouncing off the walls, not going to sleep, and being noisier than ever. I think we will go to the park- despite the rain- and run, run, run! Just kidding... maybe...
Well, children call. Hopefully I will be back soon with a TRANSFER DATE!!!!!

Friday, March 20, 2009


I am so happy today. I found out yesterday that the egg donor's cyst is gone and we are proceeding with our cycle. Wahoo! I went down for my first visit this cycle and everything looks great. I have been on lupron (an insulin type shot that shoots hormone blocking drugs into my body) for 4 weeks and have just doubled up my estrogen patches, so I will be insanely hormone-filled by morning. We are TWO WEEKS to transfer and counting. I am excited and nervous and anxious for my IPs (intended parents).
I was thinking this week that I met them in November and we decided to work together then. If I had decided to have my own pregnancy in November, I would be 4 or 5 months pregnant already. That just seemed to boggle my mind.
I am also very touched by my IM (Intended mother). She sent an email today saying that she wanted me to meet the egg donor who is her very dear cousin. I had hoped to see a picture, but now I will actually get to meet her. It touches my heart that she wants me to meet someone so dear to her, and that she sees us as all working together to bring them a child. I am so full of joy to be helping bring my IPs another child. I feel like my soul is just radiating light every time I think of their joy.
On to super fun (uh, hum) things. My (I mean, my school's) play goes to competition on 3/31. Yeah, it is in like 10 days, and I am soooo not ready. With planning the surro project, the kids, and just keeping my classes going, I somehow totally missed how soon the play performance will be here. My actors/students are wonderful though and are finally starting to pull it all together. I am sure it will be great.
My dad just left after visiting for a week. It was so lovely. I feel like he and the children were really able to do some good bonding, and he helped out with so much at the house. He even helped me get some new couches- black leather. A vast improvement from the old hand-me down couch with room for 3. We can all sit down together in the living room now. Thank heaven for small favors!
Life is good.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


So, I know I am crazy impatient and I am trying to work on it. But seriously, I waited so patiently to get a calendar (for the surro transfer), worked out a schedule with work and the kids, and have been doing everything I am supposed to for two and a half weeks. Every night, I use my blue highlighter and cross off each day. Every night, I count how much longer we have until transfer. Totally anal, but it makes me happy.
And then, today, I get home from work and there is an email saying that the cycle has been pushed back a week. Aaahhhh! I cannot handle this. Worse than a phone call where I can ask questions and get new dates set in my head, it is an email that I cannot respond to. I have to wait all the way until tomorrow to figure out if the IVF nurse meant we are exactly one week later, or into the next week which will be like two weeks later. I also don't know if my appointment on Friday is a go or if it is cancelled!
I know these are ridiculous worries, and in the grand scheme of things it is much better to wait until everything is perfect before proceeding, but I hate it when my schedule is totally obliterated. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me that I do not actually control the schedule.
I will be fine and patient, but it is so frustrating because I am so excited for the transfer to be here!
I also don't love the hot flashes, headaches, tiredness, and overall crazy feeling that the drugs are giving me (not all at the same time, but still there)! I want so badly to reach our goal of giving C and A a beautiful baby.
I feel better now that I have vented this all out. Hopefully tomorrow I will get new dates, but I guess we may just be on hold until we find out if the evil little cyst the egg donor has is going away or still rearing its ugly little head.
I will try to remember how blessed I am that I did not have to go through all this boloney to have my babies and know that the mild irritation this causes now will be forgotten soon when we have healthy little embies growing.
I am going to work on my patience now.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Life is a crazy thing

Life is so busy. It seems I am running non-stop between work, play practice, t-ball, baseball, church activities, and keeping the kids involved with their friends. It seems though, that the busier I get, the happier I am. I love to do things for my kids. I sewed some patches on Triston's cub scout shirt last night, and despite the many pokes to my fingers, I was so happy. I love serving my children and helping them become better and stronger people.
I was talking to my dad a few nights ago, and it seems we have both had the same epiphany. The quote, "life is not a destination; it is a journey" basically sums it up. My dad said that he tries to do things every day that make him happy. If he feels like spending time with the grandkids, he buys a ticket to come out. He doesn't say, "oh, I will have to plan a trip." In the same vein, I have realized that waiting to achieve the goal of buying a house, or making it to summer vacation are not going to make me happy. I have found that happiness is found in the moments. They can be stolen moments in the middle of a busy day or precious moments snuggling my kids into bed. My mom always told me that I choose my life every day, and if I don't like it, change it. Today, I know that I would not change it. And that makes my heart full to bursting.
I think about my life and I am so blessed. I am so happy and have so many opportunities for joy. Even every other weekend without the children is a blessing because it makes me realize how empty my life is without them. I see that even though it is peaceful, it is not what I want.

On a super exciting note, my aunt and uncle became the proud parents of twins yesterday!!! I have new first cousins- Carson and Gracie. I never thought my uncle would become a father, and I am so glad that he has. He and his lovely wife are the reason I began to look into surrogacy, and now, a year later, they have their beautiful miracle babies in their arms.

My surrogacy journey is motoring right along. I am taking my meds like I have been directed and am just counting down until transfer day. Three weeks from yesterday!!! Well, really, it could be three weeks from Sunday- we will see. I have the greatest feeling about this surrogacy. My heart is so full of excitement for this journey. I feel like it will be so good for my family to learn and grow through this.